I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
