Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
