I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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