Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
What drink are we having for lunch?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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