Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
