her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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