Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You ruined the universe
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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