Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
