I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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