your room smells of hookers.
And success
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
