Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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