do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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