WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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