Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
