I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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