I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
If I die, sorry about rent.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
