You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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