I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
time to smoke my breakfast
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
