What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
