So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
