OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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