im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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