I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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