he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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