Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
