Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
