So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
