I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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