I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
