I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
