I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
