I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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