My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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