Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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