my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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