Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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