Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
