he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
