Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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