can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
