He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
