Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
