Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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