I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My dick has a subreddit
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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