I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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