so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
