im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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