your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
