i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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