we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
pray to the hookup gods
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
