Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
