I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
