They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
